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Jo Shapiro, MD, FACS, chief of Otolaryngology, and Ursula Kaiser, MD, chief of Endocrinology, Diabetes and Hypertension, manage demanding careers that encompass patient care, research and teaching, while raising children with husbands who also are physicians. How do they manage to do it all?
They don’t.
“I have never done it all,” admitted Shapiro, who has three children, ages 22, 21 and 18, with husband Peter Goldbach, MD, CEO of MedVantage. “At every step, I’ve had to say, what gives me meaning in life generally and in work particularly? Those are the things I choose to focus on.”
Shapiro, Goldbach, Kaiser and her husband Mark Goldberg, MD, senior vice president of Clinical Research at Genzyme, revealed how they manage careers and families during an Office for Women’s Careers seminar last week.
“Work-life balance is not a problem to be solved,” Shapiro told the physicians, postdoctoral fellows and others who packed the Shapiro Center breakout conference room. “It’s a constant reassessment. There are always times when it will be completely out of balance, but you take it day by day. If today I’m spending a lot of time at work, next week I have a day that I spend more time with family. It’s a constant ying and yang.”
When their children were young, both families turned to day care and then afterschool programs and babysitters. Even so, balancing was a struggle.
“It was really hard,” recalled Kaiser, who has two sons, ages 13 and 10, with Goldberg. “If I didn’t get those research grants, I wouldn’t have salary support or a job. Often, after the kids went to sleep at night, the computer came back out and I’d work until I fell asleep.”
Shapiro cut back on work in order to spend time with her family. Though she was pressured to write academic papers, Shapiro opted to focus only on patient care and teaching. “When asked why I didn’t write at night and on the weekends, I said, ‘I have another full time job at home,’” she said. “I chose at that time not to do a full time career push.”
She turned down invitations to conferences and to sit on committees and gave up performing certain surgeries that lasted up to eight hours. “It was hard,” she said. “I made less money and I knew I wouldn’t be promoted at that point, but I did have more time. I knew that I would be able to pick up the academic part again at some point.”
Even by cutting back, Shapiro knew she could not be with her children at every moment. “Peter and I picked certain things,” she said. “One of us would always go on the field trips with the kids. But you can’t do everything.”
Both couples emphasized that time spent with family should be of quality. “Every moment we’re not working, we’re pretty much doing things together as a family,” said Goldberg, who looks for ways to add time to his day, like using Peapod delivery service for groceries and buying in bulk at Costco to cut down on shopping trips.
Kaiser and Shapiro advised women to care for themselves amid juggling obligations. “As a woman, you sort of feel that every part of you is claimed by some commitment,” said Shapiro, who made time for exercise in her schedule. “I knew I should exercise, but there was always something else I could be doing with that time. I had to give myself permission to take it for myself.”
Kaiser and Goldberg hired a babysitter every other Saturday night to give them time alone. “It gets easier and easier as the kids get a little older,” Kaiser reassured seminar attendees. “It’s important you take time for your relationship, too.”
Communicating and making decisions together was vital for both couples. “We had a lot of career morphing over the years. I never set out to be a division chief,” Shapiro said. “But when the position came up, Peter’s hospital was closing, my kids were in school and I needed this job. With each decision, we sit down and weigh how it affects our marriage, our family and our careers.”
Above all, the four parents emphasized that it’s important to enjoy each day. “One phrase Jo and I found helpful to say to each other was: This is not a dress rehearsal. These years fly by, and they can be challenging, but you should enjoy them,” Goldbach said.
That meant taking pleasure in tasks he never imagined himself doing, like cooking dinner, food shopping and cutting the kids’ hair. “It’s one of the delights,” he said. “You’re assigned different roles, and you work together to get things done.”
“I can’t think of a more rewarding experience than parenting a child,” he added. “I’ve never regretted a moment.”